Moms Just Ask for Help

Darleen was looking for a story about lessons learned being a mom and a dairy farmer. Immediately this exchange with a friend of mine came to mind. First of all, I think the most important message below is to reach out and ask for insight from the moms around you! I was so proud of my friend for stepping back, looking at the situation, and saying, “Ok, something has to change. I’m going to ask others for ideas.” If only we all did that more often. I know when I’m in the middle of something I have a tendency to put my head down and “just get through it.” But why? We are surrounded by people who love us and want to see us succeed. Just ask for help. This is an email exchange between two moms balancing life and career. Dairy moms yes, but I think any busy mom can relate. Special thanks to my brilliant friend for letting me share her heartfelt call for ideas on how to get more sleep.
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Laura,
I hope you’re well. I’m looking for some help finding a consultant/facilitator. I know you play this role for other families – are there others like you out there? Maybe someone closer to our farm?
My husband and I are having trouble with our workload and life-work balance. We don’t really need more time off, just more sleep. We are ridiculously sleep deprived and every area of our lives is being adversely affected.
We need to have a serious discussion about the issue, but it’s hard for the two of us to talk about this alone, because emotions get in the way.
We’re looking for someone to help facilitate a discussion, realistically assess our labor needs on our farm, and brainstorm possible solutions.
Any ideas?
Thanks, dear.
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Dear friend,
I can’t get there to see you, but you have been on my mind. I thought I would pull together some of the best advice I have heard regarding similar issues; hopefully it will help until you find someone nearby to facilitate. As always, take what you can use and leave the rest (some of the best advice I learned from you!)
1. Answer the question, “Where are you going?”
We haven’t really got the answer figured out here with our family and farm either. It seems hard to narrow the focus and decide. But I just heard these words from Hank Wagner, a life coach kind of guy. What do you want for your farm? Do you want to grow, stay the same size? Grow to fit your family members involved? Do you want to be low cost milk producers? Is your goal to be debt free? If you and your husband are perfectly aligned with where you want your business to go, you will be able to make every decision faster and easier.
Now do the same for your family and your personal goals. This is even harder. Where are you going as people? Is the goal happiness, or to raise great children, or is the goal to make a difference in the world? These are all different. Which line of thinking will get you “where you are going?” If you know this about one another, you can support each other much better on the way to “where you are going.”
Deep, I know. But sleep is important and you really need to have patience with each other when you aren’t getting enough of it. Getting aligned will help.
2. What can you stop doing?
I love the beautiful flower beds of our mutual friend. I used to have a yard full of them when I lived…in town. Now, there is no way. Wait, I take that back, there is a way. It would involve giving up other things that are on the path to “where I am going.” Including running a successful farm where we help support four families other than our own. Also my speaking and family consulting – this influencing others to be their best is on my path. Dairy Girl Network is there, too. I can give up my flowers to have these things. Truth be told, our friend gives up things to have them, but those flowers are along the path to where SHE is going.
Probably both you and your husband have to give up something, even if it is just for now when the kids are still small. That leads me to No. 3.
3. It will get better.
I was just having a very in-depth parenting discussion with another friend, one with very young children. She asked in an exasperated voice, “It does get easier, doesn’t it?” And the truth is, if you put in the hard time being a great parent (the kind that teaches lessons, sometimes hard lessons, about right and wrong) it will get much easier because you will have raised kids you can trust. My kids, Nate and Julia, are 14 and 10 now and it is soooo much easier than when they were small. We still have moments, believe me. But they are good kids. Yours are, too, you just have to get them a little closer to “where they are going” before they let you get more sleep.
4. Make your sacred cows into hamburger.
I heard this from Chris Peterson, she writes children’s books and farms with her family. Maybe you know her? I forget her story exactly but it was something like she thought no one else could feed the calves but her. Feeding the calves in addition to her many other responsibilities was wearing her down. She realized she had to give it up. After she did, the calves got healthier and she re-gained sanity.
My sacred cow was my belief that I had to be the first in the barn every day, the idea that I should always be the one to turn on the light. Getting to the barn at 4:45 each day, never eating lunch because I would work straight through until the kids got home at 3:40, and then dealing with any sick cow at night, led to far less sleep than I needed. And now looking back, I know I was…let’s just say, really cranky (or you could insert a B-word here). But being first in the barn was my badge of honor; it was very hard to give up!
Now I put the kids on the bus and then go out to the barn, usually around 7:45. I still have NO work life/balance, but I am at least well rested for my crazy day. I realize you may not be able to change your schedule, but look for other things you feel you need to do because it’s expected or they are your own little badge of honor. Can you outsource anything on the farm? Can you ask for help anywhere?
I hope I am not overstepping any boundaries on this line of thinking. I hope something helps, because it sounds like a little more caffeine is not going to do the trick.
Please let me know if I can help in any way. I will also forward you contact information for the life coach/ dairy farmer friend of mine, Hank Wagner; the “where are you going” thing is all his. I love it, and have been thinking hard about it since I saw him last week.
Hugs and Love,
Laura

Laura with her kids Nathan, Julia & their cow Gail

Laura Daniels is a mother, wife, farmer, dairy consultant and agriculture advocate. At Heartwood Farm, Cobb, WI, Laura and husband Jarred Searls take great joy in teaching their children Nathan 14, and Julia 10, their values as they work together. While Laura and Jarred share in ownership of the farm, it is Laura who serves as General Manager in charge of day-to-day operation of the 300 Jersey cow farm. Laura also does consulting on team building, and employee motivation, for Star Blends Feed located in Sparta, WI. Laura is a graduate of UW Madison, in Dairy Science and Life Sciences Communications. She is the Founder of the newly formed Dairy Girl Network, a networking group for dairy women across the United States helping them connect and succeed. While active with many local state and national organizations, her pride is being a Coach of the Iowa County 4-H Dairy Judging Team for 16 years. Her barn office is her advocacy headquarters, where she takes time each day to spread pro-agriculture messages. She also hits the road to deliver pro-ag and motivational speeches across the country, inspiring many to find their passion, build their skills and have confidence to tell their story.

I had the pleasure of meeting Laura and hearing her speak at my Young Dairy Leaders Institution training this year in Phoenix. Such a truly inspiring woman and I really enjoyed getting to know her over dinner. So glad she was willing to share some of her wisdom for Mama Honesty! You can follow along with her on facebook, her blog and twitter and I love the pictures she posts on instagram!