I’ve written this and let it sit. I’ve turned away and cried, slammed my fingers on the key board and cried some more.
I’m a private person. This is literally bearing my heart and soul to you all. I wasn’t sure I wanted to, I’m not strong enough.
As an introvert to my core. I process and control, I keep my emotions on the inside. Add in farm life and truth be told the list of friends still by my side is rather short by my own doing. There just isn’t time….but this…….this I’ve decided to share. It’s a weight I can’t bear on my own.
I had a miscarriage.
Just typing that my body aches. Still physically, but also emotionally. I’m still in shock, denial……but this hole in my heart, in my womb can’t be denied. Funny how acutely aware of your body you can become, you feel every part, every hollow empty part. When just 24 hours before it felt so full.
Full of promise, full of joy, full of love and future.
Even though this little blessing hadn’t been planned, it was a reminder we aren’t always in control. And it instantly felt right. We found out we were pregnant with Mason on our fourth wedding anniversary. We found out we were pregnant with Nolan on Mason’s second birthday. And we found out we were pregnant again for the third time just 5 weeks ago on Nolan’s third birthday. It just felt right.
I was exhausted, nauseous, but really feeling good for the most part. Just like my other two pregnancies, nothing felt different. Being a third pregnancy and how busy we were after the start of the year I wasn’t in a hurry to get in to see my midwife. Her schedule was also full and I finally got on her home visit list. It would be perfect timing to hear the baby for the first time at 12 weeks.
That would be next week………but I’ll never hear your heartbeat. Somewhere in these 11 weeks something went wrong. And yesterday after two days of the worst back pain and cramps, my fear became a reality. Through the worst contractions I’ve ever experienced, we lost you.
All the what ifs, the discussions of three children, how we’d rearrange the rooms, how would we fit 3 car seats in my car, a pregnancy announcement, how we’d tell the boys, the fears, the excitement, the names………my gosh we’d already decided on a name, that was always the hardest part for us……..all that future…….gone.
Gone. I haven’t quite come to terms with that yet. I don’t think I ever will completely. I can’t say you never were, because you were. I knew you, and I loved you and I’ll never hold you in my earthly arms.
This. This hurts, a hurt I don’t know how to describe with words. I’m not alone in this though, 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage. I hope by sharing my story, if nothing but letting it go from my heart, it can reach someone else who is grieving. You are not alone, I am not alone.
And I’ll take this one day at a time. Because. this. hurts………
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I’m crying and aching with you, Darleen. Our 3rd pregnancy wasn’t planned (or not planned either, for that matter) and it was a shock and welcomed surprise. We too, lost that baby, very very early on and the pain and heartbreak was so real. We did get pregnant again and had our rainbow baby, who we now know and love as Jonathan. If we hadn’t lost our baby we will get to meet in Heaven one day, we wouldn’t have our Jonathan. I hope that, if it is in your will and God’s, you will get your rainbow baby too. You’re in my thoughts and prayers. P.S. Thank you for writing this, I know it’s hard, but it will be so helpful in your healing process and reach so many women who feel so alone. I never knew how many family and friends lost babies until I shared my experience too.
Thank you for sharing Sarah! My heart aches for all those that know this pain. It is such a lonely feeling and I am so glad I listened to my heart to post this. The response has been so overwhelming speaking to those women who felt so alone through their grief. It is very real and heartbreaking and takes time. I really appreciate your words! <3
I am so very sorry for your loss.
I am so so sorry!! My prayers for you and your family. I can’t imagine the hurt you are going through. God will help you get through this!! Never give up. Again, prayers for you. That is all I can do!
I really appreciate and take comfort in your prayers Phil, thank you!
I can completely understand what you are going through all too recently. We just lost a baby due to miscarriage the beginning of January. The pain physically and emotionally is very tough. Worst pain I have ever felt as well. It will continue to be hard, but you will slowly move on if that’s the way to put it. You will never fully get over it, a part of your heart is lost forever, but you will slowly be more at ease eventually. If you ever want to talk I’m here even though we have only met a few times at yc’s. But just know you aren’t alone.
One day at a time right Lindsay! I am so sorry that you recently went through this too. I almost wish I was alone in knowing this pain so that others didn’t know it too. I really appreciate you taking the time to comment, what an awesome “family” our YC group is! Hopefully I will get to see you next month?
Hugs and Prayers to you!! I appreciate your story and if you need an ear please call.
Thank you Naomi! I so appreciate your friendship!
So very sorry for your loss. I had three miscarriages, and even though the last one was over 10 years ago, I still think about them when certain dates roll around. The pain and loss are less now, but I still wonder what my babies would be like now. God blessed us with our 19 year old son and I am so thankful. May God give you strength and comfort.
My hearts aches for you as well Denise and all the mothers that don’t hold their children in their arms! Every child, every moment is a blessing. Thank you for sharing with me. Your words bring strength and comfort.