I’ve written this and let it sit. I’ve turned away and cried, slammed my fingers on the key board and cried some more.
I’m a private person. This is literally bearing my heart and soul to you all. I wasn’t sure I wanted to, I’m not strong enough.
As an introvert to my core. I process and control, I keep my emotions on the inside. Add in farm life and truth be told the list of friends still by my side is rather short by my own doing. There just isn’t time….but this…….this I’ve decided to share. It’s a weight I can’t bear on my own.
I had a miscarriage.
Just typing that my body aches. Still physically, but also emotionally. I’m still in shock, denial……but this hole in my heart, in my womb can’t be denied. Funny how acutely aware of your body you can become, you feel every part, every hollow empty part. When just 24 hours before it felt so full.
Full of promise, full of joy, full of love and future.
Even though this little blessing hadn’t been planned, it was a reminder we aren’t always in control. And it instantly felt right. We found out we were pregnant with Mason on our fourth wedding anniversary. We found out we were pregnant with Nolan on Mason’s second birthday. And we found out we were pregnant again for the third time just 5 weeks ago on Nolan’s third birthday. It just felt right.
I was exhausted, nauseous, but really feeling good for the most part. Just like my other two pregnancies, nothing felt different. Being a third pregnancy and how busy we were after the start of the year I wasn’t in a hurry to get in to see my midwife. Her schedule was also full and I finally got on her home visit list. It would be perfect timing to hear the baby for the first time at 12 weeks.
That would be next week………but I’ll never hear your heartbeat. Somewhere in these 11 weeks something went wrong. And yesterday after two days of the worst back pain and cramps, my fear became a reality. Through the worst contractions I’ve ever experienced, we lost you.
All the what ifs, the discussions of three children, how we’d rearrange the rooms, how would we fit 3 car seats in my car, a pregnancy announcement, how we’d tell the boys, the fears, the excitement, the names………my gosh we’d already decided on a name, that was always the hardest part for us……..all that future…….gone.
Gone. I haven’t quite come to terms with that yet. I don’t think I ever will completely. I can’t say you never were, because you were. I knew you, and I loved you and I’ll never hold you in my earthly arms.
This. This hurts, a hurt I don’t know how to describe with words. I’m not alone in this though, 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage. I hope by sharing my story, if nothing but letting it go from my heart, it can reach someone else who is grieving. You are not alone, I am not alone.
And I’ll take this one day at a time. Because. this. hurts………